i'm of the nomadic nature.

i changed blog names again.

blood

i was disappointed today when they told me i couldn't give blood. it happens every single time i try, but for some reason, i keep trying and trying to give. i fill out my name, go through the line, check my temperature (98.1) and then prick my finger (it hurts a lot) to test my blood for iron and sugar levels. so today, i walked in after lunch, feeling confident that i was going to be able to give this time. i mean, i'd eaten a healthy, protein filled lunch, and i'd had iron in my diet for breakfast. and still, i was too iron deficient to be able to give blood. i walked away with my head down. because, i'm wired with compassion and a heart to love people and they tell me that if i give my blood, i'll save six infant lives or three adult lives. they tell me that the hurricane victims are desperate for blood donors. they tell me that kids in the children's hospital not too far from here are in need of my blood. and so i try to give it and they deny me. i walk away feeling guiltier than i was intended to feel, and frustrated that my stupid cardiovascular system can't seem to get things right.

why am i talking about this.
because i'm tired of feeling guilty just so you can guilt other people into giving their blood and then complaining cause it hurt. i want to so much and i can't. i'd take the pain for them if i could. i'm tired of being disappointed because everyone else can take the opportunity to help for granted, and i can't help even though i'm dying to. i don't understand why i was made to be deficient and given a heart of glass for the broken and hurting.

giving blood means more to me than just getting my mark of kindness for the day or getting some stupid free room inspection. i want to contribute, to do something meaningful for the world around me. and i can't.

new

i'm changing, flexing, growing, learning how to be the most comfortable version of myself.

I AM NEW.

i smile a lot more than i used to. i'm happier, and more open about what's going on inside. i don't even wear my clothes the same way as i used to. my desires are being remodeled and i'm learning more and more about the word of God and it makes me hunger more and more to learn more and more. i love my friendships and my living space and my classes and everything else that makes my life my life. i see all these changes taking place inside of me and i love it. i'm happy and content with who i am. i'm even more content in who i'm not yet, because i see that i'm going to keep changing and growing. i haven't reached the end of my changing, because if i had, then i would be dissatisfied with my self for the rest of my life. i'm still jessica ann-lynn freeman. but something about me is simplifying. all those cliches that i used to write inside my poems and my proses and my pieces have seemingly disappeared from my brain. i like the straightforward kind of writing, the honesty in it, not the eloquent words that hide the pain and the brokenness.

these things are the composition of me. i'm a (now) 19-year-old girl who likes skinny jeans and skinny lattes, who doesn't really like chick flicks very often and who likes to go for walks (and it has nothing to do with the eco-friendliness of walking, either). i'm a half black girl who cooks and cleans and somewhat enjoys it. i like to write, but i hardly ever find the words i wanna say. i'm a mess on the inside, but it seems to all fit together like a spiderweb, so i'm not complaining. Jesus will fix it when He wants to, and i'm not gonna worry about it. i'm full of questions and i'm quite an intelligent girl. doesn't sound like the jessica you once knew? yeah, doesn't sound too familiar to me either. but that's probably a good thing. i like being new.

i'm happy.

i'm a laughing stranger on a frowning road
freedom has never felt this...free before
for in my darkest hour i said "i'm gonna trust You,
no matter how scared i am"
and that's exactly where He wanted me all along

just to hold my hands out and tell Him
that i can't do it and i don't want to and that
He'll have to step in to set it straight.
and He did.

the truth has set me free.
i'm sure of it now.
the verdict seems so simple, and yet so profound
that i know the truth and it has made me no longer enslaved

no longer enslaved
to the fears, doubts and insecurities it brought
to the wanderings and the nightmares
to the shame and the guilt and the hiding

it's all gone now.
the truth has set me free.
praise GOD,
the Truth has set me free.

when thoughts don't seem to make sense of themselves

when my fear hits the ground running
words don't seem to be enough in this state of panic
the air is closing in around me and am i the only one that can't breathe,
or is this some kind of growing epidemic?

the path is growing wayward, i'm wearing down
nobody else can seem to figure out how i feel
all alone in this sea of despair i am, it's a hopeless kind of thought
but i can't find a soul that will just let me be real

because the truth isn't pretty this time
the truth is just ugly, its face is quite disfigured
from a tragedy none want to speak of
but i can't bury what happened, the way his hands lingered

this agony eats away at my core
insanity is the only logical explanation
so i try to close my eyes and think of something else
in hopes of ignoring my sane limitations

so You speak to me, you tell that i'm not going insane
but that this is just all part of Your good and perfect plan
and i'm not even going to pretend like that makes sense to me
for the affairs of God i cannot yet begin to understand

but it's hope in the midst of my heartache
something to ease the pain that's burning on my insides
Your love is covering a multitude of stains
and redeeming my broken heart and broken life.

school

is everything i expected, and yet nothing i bargained for.
how i've longed to be back, and yet i seemed to forget how immersed in His word i would be.
not that it's a bad thing, it's just really really...challenging to my flesh.
it kinda wears on me, and i think that's a good sign?

but nonetheless, the workload is seemingly burying me.
i've gotta figure out some kind of system soon or i might explode!

God, You're still faithful,
and i'm glad you wired me to be made for something this great.
i love You.
don't forget that. ;)

[sigh]

it's another one of those nights i wish i could live out again and again and again and again...

i'm falling fast and i'm falling hard. not in love necessarily, just for him. the way the corners of his mouth twitch a bit when he's focused. the way he juts out his lower lip when he's thinking on the surface, but the way his whole face kinda...pauses when he's thinking hard and thinking deep. the way his smile lights up not only his whole face, but the whole room. the way his laugh resonates deep within him and even deep within me. the way that even minutes or hours later, i can still feel his hand in mine. the way that he smells. the way that he talks out of the side of his mouth. the way that he lives his life, holy and pleasing to the One that matters.

i just had to talk about him, since i know most of the people out there probably don't care.