to the one i think i love:

i'm trying to write you a sonnet
but my words seem to do you injustice
when all i can think of are cheap recycled words
and you deserve something altogether exquisite

but i want to show you how much i care
so i'm scrambling to find the feelings inside
that make this whole thing make sense
to make me understand how you got the short end of the deal

because i'm altogether quite sure that i did nothing
to con your way into loving me, nor did i refuse
since there's something in your eyes that tells me you're not like them
i can't help but be falling hopelessly more and more every day

i'm spellbound, stargazed, locked in a fanatical daze
you're the only one who can make my heart stop beating altogether
and you're the only one who can break me down so hard
that i don't know if i could ever get back up again.

i hope you know what this means to you, to me,
to the world around us that wants what we've got
this is a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity
and i'm going to do my best to not squander it
i'm thankful that you're my love and i'm not going to
trash it for something that seems more gratifying

for there is nothing, NOTHING more satisfying
than being your girl.


love, jess

more than anything

more than anything, i really wish that i could be in His arms right now. i'm starting to believe that He thinks i'm worth it to Him.

more than anything, i really wish that i could drive to valdosta right now and just knock on his door. he would open it and i would smile.

more than anything, i wish i felt better. being nauseous every second truly gets old.

more than anything, i wish that i could hide myself from the packing process. i want to move, but i don't want to go through the agony and somewhat sadness of packing.

my sentiments really don't make sense. they're random and sporadic. but there's this itching in me that begs me to write, and write often. so all i can say is that more than anything, i wish that i could have what i want more than anything.

my head is spinning

from all of this amazing information pounding in my brain. is this really happening? i'm locked in a fanatical gaze - wishing i could meet your eyes and show you the love that is pouring out of me. not that i would dare to say i love you. but i just can't believe this is happening i guess. and - oh - i'm not afraid today. :)

this is so crazy. each day really does get better. and since when do you mean all of this? i just don't get you. and that's okay. i'm content with not getting you if that means that you want me back :)

answer: i'm not impossible.

i'm not a lost cause.
i'm just in the works.
you sure have a way of showing me that
my only "problem" is the fact that i'm human and i'm hurting.

i think i'm gonna break free of this.
day by day, moment by moment,
choosing to be strong. not tough.
strong.

"so long status quo, i think i just let go,
He'll make me wanna be brave."
(yeah i know, sounds cheesy to people who
just don't seem to understand my struggle.)

so i choose to tell you, every day,
that i'm not afraid today.
and all those todays
will turn into a very long time.

and hopefully forever, to
be quite honest.

so i'm not impossible.
i'm brave.

am i impossible?

is it true in the least bit that someone is impossible to love?
and if so, is that someone me?

i feel like i've been living up to the negative expectations that have been set for me. and i don't want to be the way i am, really i don't. this is me. i've been shattered and put together, then i drop myself onto the concrete and shatter into a million pieces again. and now you wonder why i'm falling apart. the truth is, there has been so many times in my life where i try to get past the pain only to walk into another heartache of sorts. and so forgive me for finding it hard to believe that i could possibly, very possibly be happy. it's just the way this life has run its course so far.

and so now, i've become this...monster, that shoves everyone away and tries to prove to them why you don't want me. because if you want me, then i get excited and realize that there's a chance that i could make it happy, and then you let me down, and then it's this vicious cycle all over again. and i'm starting to thing they're right. i want to change, i know God is faithful, but man has failed me so much...that i don't want to believe that someone could be different.

and yet here you sit, telling me that you don't care about all that junk, even seeing and understanding why these walls are built so high. what am i supposed to think? i'm having a really hard time with all of this. because i want to take down my walls. i know you're not like the others. but i also know i've thought these thoughts before, and it's only brought me more and more pain.
so perhaps i am impossible.

tolerance?

i am finding that i am becoming less and less tolerant of the things of this world.
it is absolutely and most definitely a shame that i can't turn on my tv without being influenced by sexuality, drug abuse, terrorism, gay marriage, abortion, and things of the like. does this not disturb anyone anymore? i feel greatly convicted when i watch anything on the big screen anymore. even the simplest of children's cartoons have been infiltrated with subliminal thoughts (a man being pregnant, wizards and warlocks). tell me this is okay with you.

because it is NOT okay with me.

i can make a change. if christians would raise their standards and stop watching things they should feel convicted about, instead of just talking about feeling convicted...hollywood would have no choice but to meet our demands for a safe environment to raise this next generation in. i am thoroughly disturbed that we feel like religious tolerance is the only answer to get people to love God. but if we are living to make them want something, and we're not living to be more like Him, they're gonna see through the charade anyway. they don't want an act. if we truly love God, we'll have this peace unspeakable and this joy unfathomable. we are being biased against, no matter what the culture says. it's appropriate to have a gay pride day in schools, it's alright to talk about drugs and getting laid, it's okay to listen to lyrics that provoke sexuality. but it is an offense of multiple sorts to talk about God in schools? why? because it offends the flesh. that's what people have a problem with. it's not the hypocracy (although we cannot deny the fact that it exists). it's not the double life that some lead (but it's true). it's not even the way the "religious services" are run. the problem is, the word offends the flesh, and the flesh has been allowed to have full rule and reign over this country and even this world. and that hasn't been okay with me, it's not okay with me, and i guarantee you that it will NEVER be okay with me.

i hope when they saw me

they saw why i chose You.
i hope that when they looked into my eyes,
they saw the fullness of Your joy,
and it made them realize the emptiness
they'd find if they looked into theirs.

i hope they saw the peace i have
when their world is at turmoil.
when i saw the pain and the heartbreak,
it broke me. and
i don't want them to be jealous
...because they could have it too.

i hope when they saw me,
they saw something they long for,
even if they're not willing to admit it just yet.

i live my life walking in the abundance You have given me, and i hope they see that.
i am secure in who i am because i am Yours, and i hope they know that.
i know where i'm going when my life is over, and i hope they realize that.
there's so many things i could have said in that moment.

but it would mean more if they saw it,
ya know, Lord?

i just wish they knew You
and how much You love them
and how amazing it could be if they'd just let go.

You're not like people make You out to be.
it kills me that they can't see the real You!

i am finding

that the more i am pushed to my limits, the more i am learning.

it's incredible how much stronger i am than even a year ago. i've endured heartache and crazy pain, and i've learned how to make unpleasant but holy choices. i've grown in my confidence, not only in who i am, but in who He is. i've learned how to put aside my constant need for a relationship, and be comfortable either way things are in a season of my life. i am definitely learning what it means to be independent, and i am learning how to be a positive influence on those around me.

but with progress comes room to grow. i definitely need to learn to keep my mouth shut, because even when you don't ask for it, people will give you their opinion and their "wisdom" on a topic. and i need to learn to only speak things to those people whose opinions i actually value. i need to learn to moderate my emotions, instead of bottling them on the inside until i crumble (like i did last night). i definitely need to learn to quiet my flesh when trying to hear the Lord, and i need to learn how to be an even better influence on those around me.

and so this is where this entry finds me. this week has pushed me past my previous limits, and tomorrow and next week will push me past these newfound limits, and God is just trying to show me that He is faithful and that i can cling to His hand. i'm restoring that lost trust in people, and He is restoring faith in even the worst of criminals. my trust in Him and His love is growing everyday, and i know He will not leave me or forsake me. and this is definitely progress in the right direction.

maybe this whole going crazy being pushed to my limits will turn out to be a good thing after all :)

the nuclear family

it seems there's been a breakdown in my once very seemingly functional family. the nuclear family consists of two parents and a boy and girl. mine is very close to that, two girls and one boy. and both parents. and an aunt. okay, so not so close to the epitome of family. but still, very functional and very happy.

or so i thought.

things have not been as they seem around this house. i no longer fit here. i don't belong to the family i know and love and adore. i admonish the fact that i want to move out and never move back. i hate the fact that i don't want to come home and visit every weekend. but there's nothing "homey" about this place that i've spent my summer living in. there's nothing that feels particularly comfortable about my top bunk right next to the ceiling fan. there's no familiarity in family time anymore, because it has seemed to vanish into thin air. i feel as though i'm a ghost wandering these familiar corridors with no place to rest my head. the only solace i find is in my beautiful mother. and it feels as though a wedge has been driven between us, that when she speaks, it is as if she is talking to me from some faraway place in the depths of her heart. a part of her i've never known. that hurts, to know that i'm growing and changing, and she's changing and flexing and moving, and there's this missing link that i can't seem to find, and i fear that our relationship will never be the same again.

and so this causes one to think. what has changed? when did all of this lose its familiarity and comfort? where did the memory building go? why is there nothing that can make me feel secure in this house anymore? where is the breakdown in this seemingly once normal family?

it's me.

new discoveries.

i'm finding that it's easier to find joy when you give it to others.

God is dealing with my spirit. the broken parts. i've been asking for joy and trying to take it deeper with Him. i've been talking about how the enemy has been trying to steal my joy. there are parts of me that were convinced that it was working. until yesterday, that is.

the enemy can't steal your joy, he can only convince you to give it to him.
he can only tell you it's steal-able.

and this is where i find myself last night. praying for others, speaking joy into their lives, realizing that when i'm drowning in sorrow, i'm living for myself. there's nothing about sorrow that isn't selfish. and when i pour out of myself (and know in confidence, that i'm not emptying myself, because i spend time with Him every single day i can), i find this inexplicable joy welling up in me. i start laughing for absolutely no reason. it's ridiculous, and yet exactly what i bargained for. we were made to live for others.

and that's where joy comes from.

new beginnings

"the Lord your GOD is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." [zephaniah 3:17]

my broken heart burst into tears when this verse was spoken over me. there is nothing more that i desire than to hear His voice singing over me. i cry out for mercy in the night to be saved. there is a pain on my insides, i'm hurting from all the abandonment and the heartache that this life has caused me, and all i long for is His grace and love.

and yet, here i sit, turning away for fear of this not being real. maybe He doesn't love me. He could easily be to blame for all of this...right? my heart is so torn, and yet so sure....

this is my journey into the heart of a very very broken self. this is me, fighting and dying for a cause i believe in more than the very air i breathe. this is my journey as His beloved.