it seems there's been a breakdown in my once very seemingly functional family. the nuclear family consists of two parents and a boy and girl. mine is very close to that, two girls and one boy. and both parents. and an aunt. okay, so not so close to the epitome of family. but still, very functional and very happy.
or so i thought.
things have not been as they seem around this house. i no longer fit here. i don't belong to the family i know and love and adore. i admonish the fact that i want to move out and never move back. i hate the fact that i don't want to come home and visit every weekend. but there's nothing "homey" about this place that i've spent my summer living in. there's nothing that feels particularly comfortable about my top bunk right next to the ceiling fan. there's no familiarity in family time anymore, because it has seemed to vanish into thin air. i feel as though i'm a ghost wandering these familiar corridors with no place to rest my head. the only solace i find is in my beautiful mother. and it feels as though a wedge has been driven between us, that when she speaks, it is as if she is talking to me from some faraway place in the depths of her heart. a part of her i've never known. that hurts, to know that i'm growing and changing, and she's changing and flexing and moving, and there's this missing link that i can't seem to find, and i fear that our relationship will never be the same again.
and so this causes one to think. what has changed? when did all of this lose its familiarity and comfort? where did the memory building go? why is there nothing that can make me feel secure in this house anymore? where is the breakdown in this seemingly once normal family?
it's me.
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2 comments:
You're growing up, moving up, and out. It's strange still to be in that transition phase. Eventually your parents' home will not feel like home at all and you'll be able to be all on your own. Although relationships change, the love you have for your family and the love they have for you will remain if you nurture it. It takes on new forms.
You're so poetic in your writing!
Love ya!
well there is absolutely nothing bad about that. after i left nevada (where i grew up & graduated highschool) i realized how much i hated it. especially now that it's been over 5 years. i never want to go back. and since i left, my parents divorced and both are remarried and my family is just weird, but it's been long enough that they're used to me being far away, and now we're more normal than we ever were before. it comes with time. though when it comes to any of my passions or beliefs i swear i could be adopted. i don't think my family even knows what social justice even means. but yeah. change is weird, especially because you are in one of the biggest transitions of your life, leaving everything you've known to learn and grow. it can be surprising what you find. and wonderfully liberating.
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