i'm of the nomadic nature.

i changed blog names again.

blood

i was disappointed today when they told me i couldn't give blood. it happens every single time i try, but for some reason, i keep trying and trying to give. i fill out my name, go through the line, check my temperature (98.1) and then prick my finger (it hurts a lot) to test my blood for iron and sugar levels. so today, i walked in after lunch, feeling confident that i was going to be able to give this time. i mean, i'd eaten a healthy, protein filled lunch, and i'd had iron in my diet for breakfast. and still, i was too iron deficient to be able to give blood. i walked away with my head down. because, i'm wired with compassion and a heart to love people and they tell me that if i give my blood, i'll save six infant lives or three adult lives. they tell me that the hurricane victims are desperate for blood donors. they tell me that kids in the children's hospital not too far from here are in need of my blood. and so i try to give it and they deny me. i walk away feeling guiltier than i was intended to feel, and frustrated that my stupid cardiovascular system can't seem to get things right.

why am i talking about this.
because i'm tired of feeling guilty just so you can guilt other people into giving their blood and then complaining cause it hurt. i want to so much and i can't. i'd take the pain for them if i could. i'm tired of being disappointed because everyone else can take the opportunity to help for granted, and i can't help even though i'm dying to. i don't understand why i was made to be deficient and given a heart of glass for the broken and hurting.

giving blood means more to me than just getting my mark of kindness for the day or getting some stupid free room inspection. i want to contribute, to do something meaningful for the world around me. and i can't.

new

i'm changing, flexing, growing, learning how to be the most comfortable version of myself.

I AM NEW.

i smile a lot more than i used to. i'm happier, and more open about what's going on inside. i don't even wear my clothes the same way as i used to. my desires are being remodeled and i'm learning more and more about the word of God and it makes me hunger more and more to learn more and more. i love my friendships and my living space and my classes and everything else that makes my life my life. i see all these changes taking place inside of me and i love it. i'm happy and content with who i am. i'm even more content in who i'm not yet, because i see that i'm going to keep changing and growing. i haven't reached the end of my changing, because if i had, then i would be dissatisfied with my self for the rest of my life. i'm still jessica ann-lynn freeman. but something about me is simplifying. all those cliches that i used to write inside my poems and my proses and my pieces have seemingly disappeared from my brain. i like the straightforward kind of writing, the honesty in it, not the eloquent words that hide the pain and the brokenness.

these things are the composition of me. i'm a (now) 19-year-old girl who likes skinny jeans and skinny lattes, who doesn't really like chick flicks very often and who likes to go for walks (and it has nothing to do with the eco-friendliness of walking, either). i'm a half black girl who cooks and cleans and somewhat enjoys it. i like to write, but i hardly ever find the words i wanna say. i'm a mess on the inside, but it seems to all fit together like a spiderweb, so i'm not complaining. Jesus will fix it when He wants to, and i'm not gonna worry about it. i'm full of questions and i'm quite an intelligent girl. doesn't sound like the jessica you once knew? yeah, doesn't sound too familiar to me either. but that's probably a good thing. i like being new.