i'm happy.

i'm a laughing stranger on a frowning road
freedom has never felt this...free before
for in my darkest hour i said "i'm gonna trust You,
no matter how scared i am"
and that's exactly where He wanted me all along

just to hold my hands out and tell Him
that i can't do it and i don't want to and that
He'll have to step in to set it straight.
and He did.

the truth has set me free.
i'm sure of it now.
the verdict seems so simple, and yet so profound
that i know the truth and it has made me no longer enslaved

no longer enslaved
to the fears, doubts and insecurities it brought
to the wanderings and the nightmares
to the shame and the guilt and the hiding

it's all gone now.
the truth has set me free.
praise GOD,
the Truth has set me free.

when thoughts don't seem to make sense of themselves

when my fear hits the ground running
words don't seem to be enough in this state of panic
the air is closing in around me and am i the only one that can't breathe,
or is this some kind of growing epidemic?

the path is growing wayward, i'm wearing down
nobody else can seem to figure out how i feel
all alone in this sea of despair i am, it's a hopeless kind of thought
but i can't find a soul that will just let me be real

because the truth isn't pretty this time
the truth is just ugly, its face is quite disfigured
from a tragedy none want to speak of
but i can't bury what happened, the way his hands lingered

this agony eats away at my core
insanity is the only logical explanation
so i try to close my eyes and think of something else
in hopes of ignoring my sane limitations

so You speak to me, you tell that i'm not going insane
but that this is just all part of Your good and perfect plan
and i'm not even going to pretend like that makes sense to me
for the affairs of God i cannot yet begin to understand

but it's hope in the midst of my heartache
something to ease the pain that's burning on my insides
Your love is covering a multitude of stains
and redeeming my broken heart and broken life.

school

is everything i expected, and yet nothing i bargained for.
how i've longed to be back, and yet i seemed to forget how immersed in His word i would be.
not that it's a bad thing, it's just really really...challenging to my flesh.
it kinda wears on me, and i think that's a good sign?

but nonetheless, the workload is seemingly burying me.
i've gotta figure out some kind of system soon or i might explode!

God, You're still faithful,
and i'm glad you wired me to be made for something this great.
i love You.
don't forget that. ;)

[sigh]

it's another one of those nights i wish i could live out again and again and again and again...

i'm falling fast and i'm falling hard. not in love necessarily, just for him. the way the corners of his mouth twitch a bit when he's focused. the way he juts out his lower lip when he's thinking on the surface, but the way his whole face kinda...pauses when he's thinking hard and thinking deep. the way his smile lights up not only his whole face, but the whole room. the way his laugh resonates deep within him and even deep within me. the way that even minutes or hours later, i can still feel his hand in mine. the way that he smells. the way that he talks out of the side of his mouth. the way that he lives his life, holy and pleasing to the One that matters.

i just had to talk about him, since i know most of the people out there probably don't care.

to the one i think i love:

i'm trying to write you a sonnet
but my words seem to do you injustice
when all i can think of are cheap recycled words
and you deserve something altogether exquisite

but i want to show you how much i care
so i'm scrambling to find the feelings inside
that make this whole thing make sense
to make me understand how you got the short end of the deal

because i'm altogether quite sure that i did nothing
to con your way into loving me, nor did i refuse
since there's something in your eyes that tells me you're not like them
i can't help but be falling hopelessly more and more every day

i'm spellbound, stargazed, locked in a fanatical daze
you're the only one who can make my heart stop beating altogether
and you're the only one who can break me down so hard
that i don't know if i could ever get back up again.

i hope you know what this means to you, to me,
to the world around us that wants what we've got
this is a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity
and i'm going to do my best to not squander it
i'm thankful that you're my love and i'm not going to
trash it for something that seems more gratifying

for there is nothing, NOTHING more satisfying
than being your girl.


love, jess

more than anything

more than anything, i really wish that i could be in His arms right now. i'm starting to believe that He thinks i'm worth it to Him.

more than anything, i really wish that i could drive to valdosta right now and just knock on his door. he would open it and i would smile.

more than anything, i wish i felt better. being nauseous every second truly gets old.

more than anything, i wish that i could hide myself from the packing process. i want to move, but i don't want to go through the agony and somewhat sadness of packing.

my sentiments really don't make sense. they're random and sporadic. but there's this itching in me that begs me to write, and write often. so all i can say is that more than anything, i wish that i could have what i want more than anything.

my head is spinning

from all of this amazing information pounding in my brain. is this really happening? i'm locked in a fanatical gaze - wishing i could meet your eyes and show you the love that is pouring out of me. not that i would dare to say i love you. but i just can't believe this is happening i guess. and - oh - i'm not afraid today. :)

this is so crazy. each day really does get better. and since when do you mean all of this? i just don't get you. and that's okay. i'm content with not getting you if that means that you want me back :)